DrDemure's Journal

I've been a long time leaving, yeah, but
I'll be a long time gone.

It appears that I've successfully weaned myself from LJ, and I don't have a facebook, and I don't know how to twitter.

But I am finding, as my life calms down in one way or another, the need to blog.

Christopher is doing spectacularly horribly, and my sister is responding as best she can. I rather think he'll turn up smelling like roses at some point, but not because of anyone's efforts on his behalf, including mine.

My own children are doing spectacularly well, and, although they cost us actual money from time to time, they do seem to be in control of their lives, except when it comes to storage space. So, our garage still seems to be the gathering place of things they don't know what to deal with and don't want to rent a space for.

The foster dog got a wonderful home. I sorted through three possible homes, and the least likely turned out to be a magnificent option. So, Maddy has a permanent home, and we don't have to worry about her eating our library book(s), which I just returned to the library.

Maybe I'm not done with LJ. I find I have more to say.

But, just let it be known, things are pretty good around here. There's always room for improvement, of course, but the Trindles are relatively happy, in spite of the challenges.

Saving Christopher, the (hopefully) last update
Chris tried while he was here, but he was unable to make it in Trindle land. I kicked him out, he tried to make it on his own, he failed miserably, and he recognized that he just wasn't prepared to deal.

His mother very generously offered to take him back into the family fold, he had reformed that much, at least, and he's back in her care. I don't envy her. I did pay for his return, and there was much drama that ensued upon returning him. I don't care to consider the Freudian considerations. I'm out about a thousand bucks and many sleepless nights.

But, I did my part, and he is no longer our problem. We'll see what he does with his life now. He claims he learned something. I seriously doubt it.

And for the entire rest of my life, I am not rescuing anyone in my family who wants to live here, including his little brother. I have had enough of self sacrifice. It's me and Grey time now. Yes, a dog or a cat here and there. But no more people.

You have to draw a boundary.

In addition to the fact that he walked, quite brilliantly, for his family and his parents to receive his well deserved master's degree, he's been hiding something from me, until only recently.

We were out on our belated anniversary date (nine years, for those of yor counting), eating appetizers and wasting time until we went to see "Angels and Demons" (disappointing, the book was way better). When I noticed he really wasn't paying any attention to me or our anniversary, and was actually texting wildly to someone I didn't know. I asked him. He said he thought I would think it silly. I told him to try me.

It seems that in his spare time, he has decided to rescue animals from kill shelters in North Carolina. It seems there is an underground railroad that rescues pets from NC and flies them to rescue organizations with volunteer pilots. Who knew?

I can't believe he ever thought I would think this was silly. I have a foster dog in the house right now who ate his digital camera. I am all about matching up pets with people who want pets.

Anyway, it appears that pilots with planes are rescuing animals from certain death and sending them north, to foster families. Isn't that wonderful? And my Grey is helping. He hasn't actually got a rescue call yet, weather is a bit iffy, but he has crates, and he is on call, and there are animals to be trasnsported,

I knew I hit the jackpot when I found Grey. I just didn't know how wonderful he could be.

And now for something completely different...
Never a dull moment around here. Apparently Emrys' new roommate's boyfriend has a dog who has run out his lease at a pet motel. And there is a month intervening before boyfriend has a pet-friendly apartment. So, guess what?

We've been asked to petsit a Rhodesian ridgeback for a month. Don't know when he's coming, as of yet, but, I suspect, soon. I've heard they are wonderful dogs. And this one is tres friendly.

I rather think the dog will be a much more welcome addition than the lying, thieving nephew.

But I'd welcome input from dog people regarding this houseguest.

I rather suspect I am too easy. And John is easier still. Don't get any ideas. New doggie!!!

I really feel sad for my sister
She worked her ass off trying to help Chris grow up right. But she failed. I sort of knew how she was missing the point long before she did. But, she wanted to be his friend more than she chose to be his mother.

Now, well, now, it might be too late. We'll see. It might take years. But, I feel for her. It's hard to know that your first try at parenthood didn't work out so well.

Raising young adults
I wish I had had Chris earlier on. But I didn't.

So, I'm passing this on to you, who are in different phases. Do not sway from your stance that your children be productive, accountable and disciplined in the fact that they are the guardians of their future.

Steer them towards positive friendships. Do not tolerate sympathetic slackers. Make them account for their time spent away from you, and make them account for how they spent such time. Make them be on a schedule, and do not waver. Do not suffer continued lapses regarding curfew.

Punish your children. Take away things they want. And do not waver. Make them want to make right with you when they fuck up.

Reward your children for great things achieved, but not lavishly, and not outside of your budget.

Make them realize that when they are grown, they are on their own. And if they choose a wrong path, you will not back them on that decision.

A moment to gloat
I, apparently, did something right. My children, although they were not angels, had a very good learning curve and a serious amount of consequences for fucking up. And a healthy respect for me. At this moment, they are seriously pissed at Chris.

They never, ever, in their wildest dreams, would have tried to pull on me what Chris tried to pull. They don't even think that way. They are living their own lives. Do I help? Absolutely. But they don't ask unless they really need it.

They have jobs, lives, they pay their bills, they do their yard work, housework, etc. They don't call me when they break a fingernail. They call me when they are expanding their businesses, breaking up with an SO, moving to a new place or need good advice about what to do next. They call me when their hearts are broken or they just need a friend.

If Chris can find his way out of this mess, he still has a very long row to hoe. And he's lost to the system we have here. Pity.

Losing Christopher
I, eventually, found out that Christopher was stealing from me, lying to me, and, for no good reason. No reason to lie, no reason to steal what he stole, I would have given it to him.

So, I kicked him out. Suddenly, bluntly, shockingly. I told him to not come home, then I packed up his shit and put it on the porch. Sent him a message, then cut off his cell.

The end. He came in the dark of night to pick up his shit, and I watched while he did it. He was shocked. He kept looking at the house like someone was going to talk to him or welcome him back in.

He has temporary friends who are sheltering him. And I rather imagine he doesn't understand what part of his con didn't work with me.

I didn't tell my sister. I wanted him to confess to her that I had kicked him out. He did, a couple of days later, on his current mark's cell.

She, and Scott(his father), both told me they wished they'd had the guts to do it. And, when I felt myself softening regarding the phone, they both said, no, don't reinstate it. So, I'm not. Even though it will cost us money to completely disconnect.

And then, the other day, one of his "friends" came by the house while we were outside looking for him. The friend thought Chris had sneaked into his house and stolen his xbox, and was looking for him. I could honestly say I haven't seen or talked to him since I kicked him out, and I'm guessing he didn't show up for work on Saturday, even though he hasn't talked to his cousins and can't possibly know he is fired.

I was actually kind of surprised it wasn't the police. But I don't predict great things for Christopher. I think Chris has a lot of hard lessons ahead of him, and a lot of regrets. It might be a long time before he discovers that he isn't smarter than everyone else. And he can't get by on empty promises.

And I'm also glad that he isn't my son. Because I would have to go through a whole lot more shit if he was. I'm hands free at this point. I've gotten a pass from my sister. If he keeps doing what he is doing, he might wind up in jail.

The military certainly won't take him. Sad that my sister's progeny, that she's put so much work into, would be this disappointing.

But we're done. More on that.

Raising Christopher, part gabillion
Chris has really not been cooperating. I know that he reads this. So, I'm saying.

He has been sliding on our largesse. And I totally understand that. But he has an opportunity to grow up here, in a really verdant environment, and he is missing the boat.

Frankly, I love him and I wish him well. But if he can't get over himself enough to contribute, instead of just being sweet and charming, well, he's going to have to move on.

I had a talk with John, and I had a talk with Chris. He is disappointing himself, all the way around.

Chris needs to man up. And, if he doesn't, well, now we have a deadline, and I will cut him loose. I love him to pieces, but he is not my child, and he doesn't have half the coping skills my kids have.

It really does suck to be me
I am the bad news giver. While I am in the midst of everyone's drama, most especially my father's, I had to tell my nephew, who is trying to reform his life, that his beloved dog is dying.

In the meanwhile, my sister, whom I love unconditionally, and whose son I am currently raising, is violently sick, has learned to hate her job. And has her son calling her in the middle of the night, because his dog is dying.

And, in the other meanwhile, my uncle who lives in Ireland and really hasn't a clue as to what is going on is telling me that I should just lay off of my father and let him live out his life in Michigan.

Except, he can't. He can't pay for anything. In fact, I'd wager my father has never paid a bill in his life. His mother paid his bills until he hooked up with my mother. My mother paid his bills until he divorced her and married my stepmother. When she died, my step sister started paying his bills.

And now, after all these years, I think he's borrowed his last dime.

And yet, my uncle is all about trying to let him die in his own home. Give the old man some dignity.

Dad is probably not going to have a home next month. He needs to quit embracing his dignity and start embracing his reality.

You can't spend your whole life running away from life.

Ok, he's not dead yet
My dad is recovering at home from his ordeal. He is bruised, and weak, and claims he cannot travel. And I think he's using that thought to put off dealing with reality.

To be fair, he has lived his entire 78 years in Michigan, largely under the influence of various dominant women, including three deceased female Shih-tzus. The idea of just picking up and starting a new life a thousand plus miles away must be terrifying. But he has run out of options where he is. If he doesn't go to Florida, he's either going to end up in a nursing home in Michigan, or be declared non-compis mentis and forced to do whatever we decide is best for him.

We're only trying to guide him to the loveliest course of action. To give it a try. I guess I need to call him again.

At some point, we (the Virginia we) decided we should just go up there and say, "Dad, we're packing your bags and you're getting on a plane." Basically, just kidnap him with superior physical power and deal with the consequences later (what little there would be).

But that seems a little too strong-arm to me. I've rallied every person in his sphere of influence to call him, and we are all singing the same tune. I really think we can wear him down. Sooner rather than later, I hope.

Sucks to be me
At this point, my 78 yr old father is dying. He has Parkinson's, and he refuses to understand that, unless he moves to Florida, he is going to end up in a nursing home.

But, the game is up.

He is independent. But he didn't tell my sister that he'd been lodged between his bed and his dresser for significant periods of time until he got lodged for 11 hours, the other day.

And, because he didn't tell my sister, no furniture got rearranged. 11 hours.

And he couldn't lift his leg up high enough to get out of a snowbank when he stepped out of his car.

And he's weak, and unable to travel, but we can't blast him out of the things he has always known. He's in foreclosure. He can't work.

But he has a viable alternative with his brother, who lives in florida. He could live out the rest of his days casing out bikini girls on the beach, communing with hot elder mammas, taking in the sunshine.

But he just wants to hang on to a house that he can't pay for, and continue to believe he can go to work.

Damn, if I end up this sad, please, someone, just shoot me.

Raising Christopher, part N
Just so you know, Christopher is a very viable, and possible adult. He is brilliant, probably way more smart than his parents gave him credit for. And he's slowly understanding that he needs to become an adult.

But for those of you with pre-adult questions, well, how well do you know your child? Do you know their hopes and dreams? Do you know what they are learning at school? Or do you just trust that they are learning something?

Do *you* actually know what you want your children to learn? And if you don't, well, shouldn't you try to learn it?

I mean, it's not really me trying to tell you how to parent. Because you will, parent as you will, no matter what I say. Are you talking to your children? Are you teaching them wrong from right? Are you talking to your children? Or are you just caught up in your life and can't remember the last time you actually looked you child in the eye and tried to integrate what you know about them with what you want them to know?

Just a question. No judgments. Put down your portfolios and your concerns about your...well...your concerns. And talk to your child, at whatever level.

Ok, now I'm a stuffy idiot. Just talk to them. Kids are people,too. That is how I found out about Chris. That's how you're going to find out about yours.

Love,
T

I am making an effort
And, for the first time in ten years, my in-laws are actually talking to me directly. It is going to be a process...no doubt. But they have the payoff of understanding, that, within his world, Grey is a rock star.

Which is something they would never have known, if I had not told them. And that they, in some part, contributed to making him the rock star that he is. No one will ever know his name, and it isn't necessary that anyone should. But in the world of computers, he has forgotten more than anyone will ever know.

And in the world of people, he is the best husband and the best father that ever lived. He loves me unconditionally, and he lets me be who I am, or who I might be. He takes care of my children. He takes care of my nephew. And he never questions who I think should be taken care of. He just gets behind me, and he supports.

Because he loves me, and he knows that the people I love are worthy of support. He doesn't pop in to try to control. He just unwaveringly believes in me and believes in the people I love, and has learned why I love the people I do.

And I have learned how to love the people he does. Isn't love grand? When it's really love?

*sigh*

It's hard to just go from day to day. But, when you have the right person at your side, it is so much easier. I just hope my kids can find that person.

Raising Christopher, cont.
It's kind of shocking. I found out that my nephew is the guy you see on Jay-walking.

As smart as he is, and how tuned he is into popular culture, he has no education, whatsoever. I don't know what he has been doing these past nineteen years, but he is clueless. And he now lives in the cradle of American democracy and he can barely recite, well, now we know, he can't name one single name, he can't recite anything important that ever happened. I'm going to have to ask him later, but I'm betting that he can't tell me how our government is set up, why it is set up, and why it's important. He doesn't know what Thomas Jefferson did for out country, or why that was important. He sort of knows that Lincoln freed the slaves.

Jeez. You know, I love my sister, but I really think she fell down in this area. Maybe she didn't get the education she needed, either.

But what I tried to tell Chris is that, if you don't understand history, you are destined to repeat it. And now he knows, he's a smart guy, that the world isn't all about Facebook, and email, and a good cellphone.

Thomas Jefferson wrote the Declaration of Independence in Philadelphia. But he learned about freedom and rights when he studied law at the College of William and Mary. He walked these streets. Benjamin Franklin came to Williamsburg. George Washington was the godfather of thirteen children here.

Thomas Paine spouted, "give me liberty, or give me death", in Williamsburg.

Chris just really hasn't understood what it really means to be an American. Where I live, well, it's easy to see, and the education I got, well, it's still easy to see. But our young Americans, no one is teaching them. Not even the smart kids.

Ask a kid what he or she knows. I think you'll be disappointed.

St. Patrick's Day
First of all, Happy Saint Paddy's Day. Belated.

Yes, I am, at least part Irish, and I miss the grand celebrations of the North that I don't get here down in the South. And, so I went to work with a green beer hat, complete with handle, and shamrocks pasted to my face, and I passed out stickers of shamrocks to those who weren't wearing green, but, frankly, they don't get it down here.

Where I come from, people celebrate. They have parades. They open up the bars at nine a.m., they ditch work, they eat corned beef and cabbage, they drink green beer, and, well, it's national holiday.

Down here, they wear green, they say top o' the morning to you, and then, they generally ignore a holiday which should be as exciting as Christmas.

It's kind of sad, really. Southern folk, not really being Irish, don't get to celebrate. They don't get to just let loose and say, ok, I'm Irish and today, well, I just get to be Irish. At least, not in the South.

I know a lot of actual Irish people, and I rather think they had a good night. And for once, I just decided not to go straight home from work. I decided to try to meet some folks who sort of wanted to party. Probably not Irish, probably taking advantage.

And I met some really cool people. And maybe made a friend. I might be very disappointed about the lack of a southern Irish tradition. And will probably continue to be so. But I did have fun tonight.

*sigh* What I would have given to up North. Did I actually say that? On St. Patrick's Day. Where people actually know what it means to let loose and say woo-hoo.

I didn't quite get there. But I did have fun.

Raising Christopher, cont.
Chris and I had yet another talk tonight. He is beginning to think that the military, and the Air Force, specifically, might be the way for him.

I am currently on the outs with his mother, my sister, but it's entirely my fault. Nevertheless, Chris' life marches onward.

So, I told him to set up a recruiting meeting, and specify that he could not meet with a recruiter without me in attendance. I owe at least this much to my sister. I honestly think that Chris would do well in the military. But he needs to want to make the commitment, and he needs to believe that it is the best path for his life at this point.

And I am going to be the checkpoint, along with Grey, who can sift through all the promises, and help him, ultimately, to decide if this career path will work for him, if he can be sucessful, and if it will help him achieve his goals.

If not, well, he has other, slower, options. But good options. He isn't showing up on their doorstep like an orphan son.

We'll see.

I did something altruistic yesterday
One of the bartenders I work with, who is about my son's age, well, his mother died. And yes, we'd talked a good bit before she died. And when she died, I had to decide if I was going to go to the viewing.

I had no intention of going to the funeral or the graveside service. I just had to decide if I was even going to show up for the viewing. It was only two miles from my house, and I had the day off. But I could have blown it off.

So, I roused myself, took a shower, blow-dried my hair, put on a suit, and showed up. And when he saw me walk in, he had tears in his eyes. Eight months ago, I didn't know this child from any other.

Tonight, after he buried his mother yesterday, he put his arm around me while I was doing my side work and told me how much it meant to him that I came to honor his mother, whom I did not know, and just be there for him.

Life is in the details. I made a difference yesterday. It's kind of sobering, when you quit thinking about yourself and start to think about what someone else needs.

I need to quit thinking so much about myself, and really consider the feelings of the people around me. I'm pretty sure I'll be a better person if I open up my ears, and stop preaching what I think should be going on.

seriously.

At the end of the day
You all deserve an update. My mother went to court with the bank over my brother's attempt to hoodwink her into backing his ill-conceived financial deal.

And, she lost. Even though she shouldn't have. She lost because she was unwilling to make him accountable for his actions. And she really didn't ask enough questions, and even though my sister and I told her she shouldn't do it, she did it anyway. Now, he's off scott free, and at the age of 77, my mother's stellar credit is ruined.

And, sad fact, my brother doesn't have a pot to piss in. Not only did he ruin her, he ruined himself. She wants to take the blame, and part of me wants to blame her. She took my brothers' part endlessly. She decided that Jeryl and I, as daughters, were much more responsible. And she coddled them, and let us actually experience life.

Now, I have Christopher, and I see my sister doing exactly the same thing my mother did with her boys. Don't ask, don't tell, and rescue them at any cost.

Well, fuck that. These boys have had every advantage. And if they want to throw it all away on a hard on, well, let them. If they've been properly raised, and they aren't retards, they'll figure it out.

At some point, the previous generation needs to say, "I've done all I can do. I've given my best. Go do what you can do."

I do not have unlimited resources. And I can't make the world into what I want it to be. Just go be fucking grown ups, can't you?

What I have to figure out
Amidst all these details I've always had to tend to, is how to draw boundaries, and how to figure out what *I* really want from the rest of my life.

While Chris is learning how to be an adult, I'm trying to learn how to be a superadult. I'm trying to learn what I am, other than a mother. Because, the day will come...I can almost see it from here...when I have to quit parenting, and be my own person.

I've watched both of my parents fail to let their children go, and to move on a live their lives. So I don't have much of an example to go by. I am interested in *so* many things, that it's hard for me to choose. I've done well in so many aspects of my life, that, well, lacking a passion for a particular thing, I just don't really know how to spend my golden years. But the time is fast approaching. This is my last big gasp at parenting. And then, by virtue of the fact that I'm rapidly losing interest in creatures who don't really get it...I've got to figure out what I want to do.

What I really think I want to do is spend more time with history, spend more time with nature, and maybe do some field work, while would necessitate spending time away from Grey. I'd like to write more, but, well, I don't have much I want to write about atm, except here. I really just don't know. And, at this point, it's moot. But the time is coming. And I hope the planets will align and I'll be able to make a good choice.

One of my dear friends tonight suggested that I conduct seminars for women on how to "get", i.e., understand men. I don't see much future in that. But it's kind of flattering.

:) See around corners. Know that life doesn't happen in one day. Be tolerant. Understand that the whole world is not you.

*sigh*

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